There are plenty of times I’ve told students to stop snitching. I’m talking about the petty stuff, when somebody wants to get another kid in trouble, get back at them, or get themselves out of trouble. I’m not talking about a student who needs help because somebody is being hurt, threatened, or picked on.
But students use that word like a catch-all. Telling on somebody, reporting bullying, asking an adult for help, refusing to cover for a friend. At some point, we need to make the difference clear, because we don’t want students thinking that getting help when somebody is unsafe makes them a snitch.
Even then, we can explain it perfectly and still miss what the student is worried about. We tell them, “Reporting isn’t snitching when somebody is unsafe.” They might understand every word and still think, “Maybe you don’t call it snitching, but everybody I have to see tomorrow does.”
And they have a point. We get to finish that conversation and move on with our day. They have to go back to class, sit near those same kids, and deal with whatever gets said or done afterward. That’s part of the decision they’re making.
It’s More Than Somebody Pressuring Them
Peer pressure can be direct. Somebody tells you to do something, keeps bothering you about it, or calls you scared until you give in. Peer norms, on the other hand, don’t always need that conversation. Students pick up on what their group does, what gets a laugh, and what gets somebody pushed out. Nobody has to tell them the rules every morning. They’ve been watching.
There are two types of norms that help explain this. Descriptive norms are what students think other students do: “Everybody records fights.” Injunctive norms are what students think others approve of: “If you walk away, people will think you’re scared.” One is about what seems common, and the other is about what seems acceptable.
Neither belief has to be completely true to affect a student’s choice. A few loud kids can make something feel like the whole school agrees. A student might think humiliating somebody is wrong and still laugh because they don’t want everyone turning toward them next. That’s a lot for one conversation with the counselor to compete with.
Where Bronfenbrenner Fits
Bronfenbrenner’s ecological systems theory helps us look at what’s happening around the student. Think about a student moving from my office to a classroom, then the cafeteria, then home. Our conversation is only one part of what they’re learning about how to handle a problem.
The theory gives us five systems to consider. The microsystem includes the people and settings students interact with directly, like friends, family, and teachers. This is where they learn what gets a laugh, what earns respect, and what gets somebody left out. The mesosystem is how those parts of their lives connect. Are home and school backing each other up? Does getting help lead to support in one place and embarrassment in another?
Other influences reach students without them being part of the decision. The exosystem includes settings where decisions get made, like district offices whose discipline policies shape how schools respond to bullying. The macrosystem includes broader cultural beliefs about loyalty, strength, and trusting adults. Messages like “handle it yourself” can shape whether asking for help even feels like an option.
These influences also change over time. That’s the chronosystem. Think about how social media has changed the reach of peer attention: an embarrassing moment at school can now follow a student home and reach people who weren’t even there.
All of that comes into the conversation with them. So when I ask a student to make a different choice, I also need to think about what happens when they leave my room. If going along gets them attention and belonging, while refusing gets them laughed at, knowing the right answer won’t be enough for change.
Look at Who’s Watching
Bullying involves more than the student doing harm and the student being targeted. Bystanders and upstanders can influence what happens next. Laughing, recording, and reposting can encourage it. Getting help or supporting the targeted student can help interrupt it.
But standing nearby doesn’t tell us everything about what a student thinks. Some are scared. Some don’t trust the adults. Some have reported something before and watched it get worse. Others are trying to stay unnoticed.
We also shouldn’t assume every repeated behavior is a peer norm. Several students can make the same choice for different reasons. They might need a skill, act without thinking, or be dealing with adults who respond inconsistently.
You could start by asking what students get out of going along and what happens if they don’t. Are they laughing because they think it’s funny, or because they don’t want to be next? Would they make the same choice if their friends weren’t there? If the audience is a big part of the answer, we need to help students handle those moments when going along feels easier than stepping away.
Why “No Snitching” Is So Hard to Change
This is where the distinction between petty tattling and getting help matters. A student telling on somebody over something small just to get them in trouble is different from asking for help because somebody is being harmed, threatened, repeatedly targeted, or pressured into something. But motives can overlap. A student might want somebody to get in trouble because that person keeps hurting them. We still need to listen. And students don’t have to figure out the perfect label before they come to us.
The harder part is what they expect us to do afterward. Maybe the last adult they told made it obvious who said something. Maybe nothing changed. Maybe they got threatened for speaking up. Maybe they’ve watched the same behavior get handled differently depending on who was involved.
A better definition won’t undo that. If a student thinks telling someone will make tomorrow worse, we need to understand why before we can expect them to trust us.
How can they talk to an adult privately? What happens if someone comes after them for telling? Who will check in with them? Those questions deserve actual answers.
It may also help to explain what can be kept private and what the educator has to share. You can’t promise nobody will find out, but we can explain what needs to happen next and be careful about drawing attention to the student.
Even telling a student to “come see me” takes some thought. If everyone watched an incident, then immediately sees one student getting called to the counselor’s office, then the peers may be able to easily guess who spoke up. A private conversation needs some planning around how it happens.
What Can School Counselors Actually Do?
When I think about fight recordings, gossip, and students being called snitches in my own building, I can see a few places where we might be able to make a difference. These four approaches give us something to work with, depending on what’s happening with our students and where we have room to help.
Help Students Show Each Other How to Stay Out of It
Think about whose reactions carry weight with other students. They may not be the students we usually pick for leadership, but their example matters. A school-based conflict intervention had stronger effects when more socially influential students were involved.
Invite willing students to help come up with believable ways to step back. “Don’t put me in it,” “I’m not posting that,” or “I’m not getting suspended over this” may sound more natural than a speech about making good choices. Talk through what they could do if their friends keep pushing.
When students see someone they respect use those words and follow through, staying out of it can become easier to picture. Give those students support without making them responsible for policing their peers.
Change What the Audience Does
We can address the students fighting and still leave the audience ready for the next one. The crowd, the recording, and the attention afterward are part of what can change. I tell my kids, who pride themselves on being street-savvy, that recording a fight is considered evidence of a crime being committed. Sometimes that can help deter students from recording a fight in the future.
Give bystanders and upstanders options they can use safely: move away, don’t record or repost, get an adult, and check on the targeted student privately. Students don’t need to step into a fight to help.
After the immediate safety concerns are handled, use a short conversation to look at what happened around the incident. What made it bigger? What helped? What could students do differently next time? Keep it focused on choices, without naming students or replaying the drama. We want less attention feeding the next incident.
Get the Adults on the Same Page
If I encourage a student to walk away, but another adult tells them to stop being scared and handle it themselves, we’re giving that student two different directions.
Counselors, teachers, and administrators need to agree on how we respond to bullying, crowds, and students trying to step away. What gets addressed immediately? What can we handle privately? Are we helping end the situation or giving it a bigger audience?
This is where Bronfenbrenner fits. The support a student gets in my office needs to carry into the classroom, cafeteria, and hallway. Otherwise, they have to keep guessing which adult’s expectations to follow.
Make Getting Help Less Risky
A student may know they need help and still think, “If I tell you, everybody’s going to find out.” We have to take that seriously. Give students a way to reach an adult without announcing the problem in front of classmates. That might be a quiet check-in, a private message through an approved school system, or asking a trusted teacher to arrange a conversation. Make sure they know who else to go to if their first choice isn’t available. Remind them that if anyone sees or finds out they were talking to you, they don’t really have to give a response. Or they can make something up like, “they were talking to me about homework.”
Then be careful about how we respond. Calling a student across a crowded hallway or discussing the report where others can hear can expose them without us ever saying, “This student told.” Discretion matters in how we arrange the conversation as well as what we say during it.
We also need to explain what we can keep private, what we may need to share, and who may need to know. We can involve students in planning what happens next without promising secrecy we can’t keep.
Before the conversation ends, agree on when to check back in and what to do if somebody confronts or threatens them for telling. Follow through with the adults who can help address it. We can’t remove every risk, but we can work to keep asking for help from becoming another problem the student has to handle alone.
What Would Progress Actually Look Like?
I wouldn’t set my goal as getting rid of the “no snitching” culture in one semester. That’s a lot to put on an educator or on one set of lessons. Instead, look for smaller changes. Fewer students gathering around a fight. More students refusing to record. A student saying privately that they don’t agree with what their friends are doing. Someone else listening, deciding to stay out of it. Pay attention to whether students can explain the difference between petty tattling and getting help, and whether they trust an adult enough to come forward.
Those changes matter because other students can see them and the change. They get to watch somebody make a different choice. Over time, that gives us something to build on.
We Can’t Put All of This on One Student
Some of these beliefs were around long before a student walked into our school. Family experiences, neighborhood relationships, social media, and previous experiences with adults can all affect who they trust and what feels safe.
We can’t talk all of that away in one meeting. We can still hold students accountable for hurting someone while paying attention to the pressure around their choice and how adults respond.
We spend a lot of time telling kids to make better decisions. I think it’s also important to ask whether we’re helping make those decisions possible. Does the student know how to get help? Can they step away without being left on their own afterward? Will we follow through and preserve their trust in us?
It bothers me when a student leaves my office with the right words but no idea for how to use them around their friends. This might be where an if/then WOOP plan might help with what happens next and how we can support them through it.
Call to Action
If your students need help understanding bullying, bystander vs. upstander behavior, conflict resolution, peer norms, reporting, and getting help, explore our Middle School Bullying Prevention Bundle in our TPT store. The lessons give you a Tier 1 starting point for these conversations. What students experience afterward—in class, in the hallway, and when they come to an adult—helps determine whether they feel able to use what they learned.
-Charles
A Couple Counselors 
Leave a comment