A Couple Counselors

It’s hard to be a school counselor.

Most of us see ourselves as good people who are here to help kids. But if we’re being honest, there are moments where it feels like helping students might require us to let go of beliefs we’ve held for a long time.

This isn’t a blog about what you should believe. It’s about what you do when your beliefs and a student’s reality don’t line up.

Here’s the core of it: I can have personal values that don’t always align with my students, but my behavior still has to protect their dignity, fairness, and access.

Checking your bias does not mean changing your values. It means making sure your values don’t interfere with how you treat students.

You’re going to have reactions. Those reactions come from somewhere. But they don’t have to control how you treat students. 

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When people say, “When I was a kid, there wasn’t all this stuff,” what they usually mean is they didn’t see it. But for many students, and even staff, it’s always been there.

The student with ADHD who’s constantly labeled as a problem? That’s not new.

The student who doesn’t feel safe being themselves at home? That’s not new.

The student who was overlooked for advanced classes could’ve used that opportunity to change their trajectory? Not new.

The student is carrying anxiety because of how they’re perceived before they even speak. Also not new.

So when we talk about bias, we’re not talking about abstract ideas. We’re talking about how students experience school every day.

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I had a student who was very out, very flamboyant, and very comfortable being himself. We got along well. He loved fashion—tight tops, bright colors, the whole thing. It was just how he expressed himself.

One day, another student spoke up and said it wasn’t fair that girls were being called out for crop tops, but he wasn’t.

And she was right.

So now I’m standing there, and I can feel the pressure in the moment. On one hand, I know the rule: no shirts that expose your stomach. On the other hand, I’m thinking about what this could look like.

I didn’t want to be seen as homophobic, especially with a student I had a good relationship with. And if I’m being honest, part of me thought I might actually be doing the right thing by not saying anything. But if I didn’t say something, I’d be letting a double standard slide.

And that’s still biased. Not the loud, obvious kind. The kind that shows up as hesitation.

So I told him to cover up.

You know what happened?

He was cool with it. He understood. The relationship stayed intact. The boundary stayed clear.

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Later on, I sat with that moment and asked myself:

Why was I so nervous?

It wasn’t the rule. I knew the rule. It was everything else around it.

I was worried about how it would be perceived. I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t want to damage a relationship. And I didn’t want to let the other student down either.

But that reaction didn’t come out of nowhere. And the reaction didn’t mean I was a bad counselor.

It meant my brain did what brains do—it reacted fast, and it pulled from things I’ve seen, heard, and experienced over time. At that moment, my fear of being called homophobic was stronger than my fear of students not feeling equality in their school. 

That’s what bias actually looks like in real time.

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Research on how we make decisions, especially work around Dual Process Theory and Implicit Bias, helps explain this.

In simple terms, Dual Process Theory shows that our brains react quickly, before we think, and implicit bias research shows those reactions are shaped by what we’ve learned over time, whether we realize it or not.

That’s why bias doesn’t usually show up when we’re thinking carefully. It shows up when we’re reacting fast.

So in real moments, checking bias doesn’t require some long, perfect process. It requires a few intentional moves that slow that reaction down. 

Here’s what that looked like in my brain, during this situation.

1. Slow the moment down

When the girl spoke up, I felt the pressure right away. I knew I had to respond. But I also knew that if I responded too quickly, I was more likely to act out of discomfort than out of fairness.

That first reaction wasn’t the decision. It was just the first feeling.

Slowing down, even for a few seconds, gave me space to think instead of react.

2. Be honest about what’s coming up

Once I slowed down, I had to be honest with myself. Part of me was uncomfortable. Part of me was worried about how it would look. Part of me didn’t want to be seen as targeting him. And part of me thought staying quiet might be the safer move.

That reaction didn’t come out of nowhere. It was shaped by perception, past experiences, and the pressure of getting it right.

Naming that didn’t make it go away, but it stopped pressure from running the show.

3. Check for consistency

This is where it became clear. I asked myself:

• Would I say something if this were a girl wearing a crop top?
• Would I let this go if it were a different student?

The answer was no.

If I stayed quiet, I wouldn’t have been protecting the student. I would be creating a double standard. I realize that silence would’ve felt safer, but it wouldn’t have been fair.

And that’s where the decision actually got made. Not in my first reaction. Not in my fear. Not in how I thought it might look.

The decision was made when I stopped and asked what fairness required.

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Maintaining your values in moments like this doesn’t mean ignoring them or pretending they’re not there.

It means you don’t let them decide how a student gets treated.

I didn’t have to agree with everything about that situation to handle it fairly. I didn’t have to change what I personally believed. But I did have to make sure my response didn’t come from discomfort, fear, or assumptions.

That’s the difference. Your values can stay, but your behavior still has to be fair.

That’s the work. Checking bias is not about changing your values. It’s about making sure your values, fears, or discomfort do not create unfair treatment for students.

In that moment, the fair response was to address the dress code respectfully and consistently. And that’s what I did. He understood. The relationship stayed intact. The boundary stayed clear.

And the situation reminded me of something important: Sometimes bias doesn’t show up as cruelty.

Sometimes it shows up as hesitation, avoidance, or convincing yourself that saying nothing is the safer choice. It isn’t always.

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For me, DEI work is less about agreement and more about making sure students are treated fairly and consistently. It’s about making sure every student is treated fairly, no matter how I feel at the moment. I had to check my bias by applying the same rules consistently while preserving the student’s dignity and relationship.

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Sometimes, when we’re unsure, we fall back on “the code of conduct says…”

And that can protect you as an employee. But not every policy is fully caught up with real student experiences. There are gray areas. And those gray areas are where your judgment matters most.

I’m not telling you to ignore policy or put your license at risk. I’m saying: don’t let policy be the only thing doing your thinking for you.

You won’t get every situation right.

I won’t either. But that’s not the goal.

This work is not about getting it right every time. It’s about being aware enough to slow down, honest enough to check yourself, and intentional enough to treat students fairly anyway.

That’s what it means to hold your values and still show up for every kid in front of you.

Visit our store if you’re interested in teaching your students more about DEI. Click this link for a Tier 1 bundle on implicit biases.  Implicit Bias & Perspective-Taking: A Middle School Bundle In Equity

-Charles